lost yesterdays

a simple nothing that felt like a simple everything. like so many of those moments in this strange journey.

sitting at the kitchen table looking out my window, the gravity of so many lost yesterdays really hit me. i don't know the impact of what I felt nor do i know the complexity of what I thought. it was just one of those moments that forever changed my perspective.

i’ve been struggling to keep time aside for my creative pursuits. amidst a business that surrounds all things creative, I still end up with so little opportunity to explore the things that really inspire and motivate me.

I have been left wondering why i stopped expressing myself through my art. when did it become the dull lingering of a fierce passion?

a moment passed and my perspective is changed, i am determined there will be no more lost yesterdays.

Juggling

I am embracing this sunshine, and feeling its cozy warmth wash over me.
I can feel change all around me. Outside and in, there are things moving and shifting and with it comes a new found, and most wonderful, peace. Summer is approaching, and with it giddy emotions and many smiles. Oh how I love the summer.

The last year has been hard-hitting as I have juggled a full time job, a part time business, and the various roles of leading young women in my church. I know this is a somewhat self inflicted phase of difficulty, based in a large degree of over-commitment and a misguided belief that I was somehow super women. Impervious. Thinking I was able to accomplish far more than the average mortal in less time and no hiccups. I’ve come to recognize that I’m prone to filling the smallest gap with the biggest of tasks. When you’re already trying to manage lots of other tasks, filing gaps is certainly not a good thing. It’s certainly not a sustainable thing. It is a natural state of being a lot of the time, but you know when it’s no longer okay. When something has to give, before your sanity does. There are times when less really is so much more.

Becoming: A Lesson I Am Learning

It is late and I have ran out of any witty or thought provoking words to share, all I am left with is the reality of my breaking heart. Tired yet fully awake I sit in Gods presence. The ugly truth in the honest fact that I have avoided His presence far too long. Still He catches me in His warm embrace as I fall into his arms. He simply holds me close and whispers in my ear "be still". But these tears still fall heavy, like rain during the Spring. I realize that God is not only meaning to be physically still, he is meaning to let my mind rest and be still. As I go day to day, rushing from one thing to another I have forgotten to stop and just sit with my creator.

I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety lately. Feelings of inadequacy and fear have trapped me from becoming. What if I put myself out there and I get rejected? The deep cry of my heart taunts me, and I feel like I am the butt of some stupid joke. But the reality is that I have placed way to much importance on what others think of me instead of what God thinks of me. I can't let God really work in my life If I continue to be what others want me to be, and not who God created me to be. This anxiety is actually self created when I allow myself to fear man and not God.

I feel as if I have been hiding like a child who hides behind the legs of their parent, nervous to make a move. I can't seem to muster the confidence to take that step forward. It is always that first step that I dread, it makes me think about Peter when he walked on water. God is saying "trust me" I have it all in my control.

neglect...

if you can't tell i have been neglecting my blog. I guess i don't really know how to continue writing on this blog sometimes. My life is so different from the last time I blogged.

Feeling Gods Love

Whenever it rains I run to my bedroom and fling open the windows, lay down on my bed and just listen to the sound of rain hitting the roof. I like to close my eyes and think about God. It just seems so fresh, so real, so good.

I like to watch the curtains float with the light breeze as I smell the rain and let myself just think until the rain stops.

when it rains His love pours over me.

On Becoming

I chose to title this blog On Becoming for one reason. That is where God has me in life, and I think where he will always have me. Becoming. Becoming who God intended. Becoming the friend God intended. Becoming the salt and light God intended.Becoming open. Becoming real and broken. Becoming someone who shines His love to His people. On Becoming...

God has me in Ellensburg. I love Ellensburg, not only because it's beautiful but because it has seen me in all my seasons. I have close family and friends here that support me very much. But when I came home I hated Ellensburg. I longed to be back on the mission field, and I felt lost that I wasn't. I came back from YWAM vibrant and alive. My life changed drastically while I was gone for six months. God became real when I was gone, he became close, he became my best friend. I had never felt this... so in love with my creator.

I felt as if God took me out of a cage and let me fly for the first time. It was dangerous letting go and experiencing parts of the World. But it was a risk and a jump I was willing to take and knew God was calling me closer. I will never look at clean water, and sunny skies the same way.

So when I came home I resented the people here. I couldn't get a grasp on how much America consumes, I would cry at the silliest things like a warm shower, and food in the cupboards. I began to feel passionately that I had to get out of here. I wanted to run and never stop, I made plans to leave. And I was counting down the days.

But my feelings became even stronger... there were days I couldn't even get out of bed. I began to pull back from people and fall into a deep closed off place in my heart. Places where my heart was so broken I couldn't even verbally express it. I knew God was there but I felt so far away at the same time. I longed for the relationship I had with him weeks earlier.

About two months ago I started feeling like I could fly again and in my own town. Then I got sick... and was in the hospital for a couple days. As I was in the hospital I felt God nudging me. He was showing me things I had never ever examined in my life. Areas that I was ignoring. God gave me things I need to be intentional on changing in my life. Like really listening to Him... and completely giving myself up. Not thinking about my selfish desires but becoming completely surrendered to God's desires for my life.

I had to take some steps back, and listen to God's calling on my life. NOT my own thoughts. I began to pray and ask God to show me how to change this in my life.

Last Tuesday at Salt my friend Andy shared about some of his struggles, and the Holy Spirit really worked in my own heart. Andy shared that He had gone on a mission trip and really found God, but when he came home he fell back into his normal routine and found himself more distant not really needing God. So he decided to go back on a mission trip to meet God again, but God showed him that he doesn't have to go somewhere to meet Him, but that he had to learn how to meet God at home, in his daily routines. And it HIT me!!! I knew what God was trying to tell me.

I have decided to stay home this year. This will allow me to continue healing emotionally and physically. This has been a hard thing to do, but knowing God is on board it has been a very good decision.

When God Calls

I came home with no idea what I would be doing next. Little did I know I was about to enter into one of the hardest times emotionally I have ever experienced. My mission trip, my traveling, it might be over for a couple months, but God still has me on a Journey.

I realized I haven't shared a lot about my feelings since being home. It is hard. Sometimes I can't even find words, and it becomes overwhelming to even try and explain. The Webster's Dictionary has no words that can begin to explain it. I Simply believe you have to experience it to know.

Yesterday I was sitting at work, and I was thinking about how hard it has been coming home. It has been really exhausting in so many ways, I have been internally freaking out, trying to look calm on the outside. I realized I wasn't allowing myself grace when I couldn't get the swing of things. I was gone for six months, I can't expect to click exactly where I left off. And frankly I don't want to! I am different now, but its weird in a lot of ways, it uncomfortable.

I am going to try and explain.

God intended for us to live in a beautiful word. Gods desire was for us to live in a world full of love, love for God, and love for each other. Sadly the reality is that this world is now a fallen world, nothing close to the beautiful place He had intended. But as I was traveling I would get a little taste of what the Kingdom could be like. I drew close to my Father, and felt His presence in all I did.

I will never forget sitting in a small dirty hut packed full of Turkish Gypsies. The laughter from the children, the joy I felt as I sat and drank tea with complete strangers. I don't remember worrying about anything, I was completely captivated in that moment. I drank their tea, and absorbed their presence. We couldn't understand each other but we could feel the love being spread throughout each of our hearts. As I walked away from that experience, I remember thinking that is EXACTLY what the Kingdom is all about!! I didn't care if my tea water was from the same river as their shower, bathroom, and washer. And they didn't care that they gave me their last dimes worth of shoe polish to show their gratitude for my visit. It was a moment that moved me, and transformed my heart. I could feel Gods presence the entire time. We receive freely, as we are to give freely. God provides, He delivers, and I just experienced that on a whole new level.

In the last couple months my priorites have changed. My heart became vulnerable, open, and fresh. My burdens became those of the people I encountered. And even now, as I am home I carry those burdens, I see those faces, I feel the pain.

God has blessed me in abundance, He has given me health, he has given me money, he has given me freedom, he has given me family and support. How can I be content working 8-5, spending money of frivolous things as another child dies from my lack of help? I know that God does not want me to sit on guilt, or conviction, BUT God does call me to reach out to the lost, to give drink to the thirsty.

When I came home someone told me what I was doing was "selfless" another "cool". I felt conviction while hearing those words, I wanted to take the compliment, but no no no, Im no super hero, I'm not radical, I am simply doing what God has called me to do. What God has called us all to do!

Before I left I had asked God "what is my purpose in life?" While in Turkey and Russia, and everyday since God has answered me. He has shown me my purpose, it's very simple, To love God, love my neighbor, and to serve Him, bringing the Kingdom to those who are lost and hopeless.

God has continued to touch my heart, it seems every day He catches me off Guard with something, but everyday He still is, will always be, and I know I can trust in Him. My relationship with my Mighty Father grows more every day. And I have enjoyed finding my identity in Christ, being refined, and transformed.

It has been hard to come home, and I have realized how much God changed my life. But I am learning to extend grace to myself, to know that I am not the same, and things will never be how they were. And that is OK, Its GOOD.

I was listening to the song blessed be your name and I was caught by the lines "He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away, but still I choose to say blessed be Your name."

He does He gives, and He takes away, He gives and He takes away. I see it everday in my own life. He gives, and He takes away, but His giving always seems more than what He takes, and I am always left a different person because of it. I will choose to say BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!

Paul and Silas in Prison

Acts 16:16 tells the story of Paul and Silas in Prison.

Paul and Silas were walking the streets when a slave girl ran into them. This young girl began following them down the street, shouting at them. People began to notice and it began to draw attention to Paul and Silas. The girl Kept following them for days, shouting "these men are working for he Most High God". Paul finally became annoyed turned around and commanded that the evil spirit leave her, and it was gone, instantly! The owners of this girl were livid, and demanded Paul and Silas beat and thrown into jail for causing the city to be in an uproar.

Paul and Silas were publicly humiliated, beaten bloody, and then thrown into jail.

Around midnight, Paul and Silas were at prayer and singing a robust hymn to God. They were worshiping! They were praising! They were praying!

These two men that were persecuted for setting a slave free, had their clothes ripped off and beaten in the public square were now WORSHIPING! Today as I was reading this I began to really see their boldness, their trust, their shear passion, and love, their faith. Typically in a situation like this a person would be complaining, self loathing and maybe even angry with God. I was blown away how Paul and Silas kept their chins up and celebrated their God. They didn't curse him or complain they worshipped him, captivating a whole prison. They knew that God never wished this upon them, BUT trusted God was in control. They praised Him and knew He would redeem their situation, and HE did!

I began to really think about this in my own life... how important it is to praise God even in the worst of times. To really worship Him, to really trust Him even when life doesn't feel good. I don't want to be a feel good Christian. I want to LIVE a life of worship and not only when it feels good.

It is so important to continue to worship, to declare God's truth. It is equally important to speak the truth powerfully over your life and deep into your heart. I know that the times I have felt God the most is while I worship, and acknowledge that God is GOD!

Paul and Silas are an inspiration.

It was funny that this morning I read this, and then later on tonight I stumbled upon Jill McCloghry's Dessert Song interview, and it talked about worshiping God even when the pain seems too much!

I continued to think about my relationship with God, my daily worship, and I was challenged today. I WANT TO WORSHIP WITH ALL MY HEART, EVERYDAY!!!!

Journaling

I have been combining all of my art and journal entries from the last six months into one journal. It has been so good to reflect back on the things I have learned and the areas I have grown in. I have loved remembering things, and seeing what I was doing and what my thoughts were. I love that God has us constantly changing and growing.

It Begins Here

I think that everyone should check out this sermon by Dan Kimball. Recently I have been passionately pursuing ways that I can live missionally. Missional living means that in everything I do I will reach out to the people around me and share christ's love freely. I happened to stumble onto this sermon after reading Dan Kimball's blog.

Lena...Our Worlds Reality

For the last three months I traveled to Turkey and Russia. I was part of a team with ten other students. Our hearts were to see each person we encountered changed because of Christ's love. My team and I were able to work with many different people doing many different things. God opened many doors for us to make an impact on each life. At the beginning of my three months I asked God to give me a heart for each person I encountered, to help me understand their choices, and situations. My heart was continually broken for the people I met. I can specifically remember the day when the reality of things really hit me.

Lena was only six. As she sat on my lap it began to sink in...the reality of her situation. As I helped her glue eyes to her puppet God wrecked my world. She was only six! Why was she here? Where is her Father and Mother? At two days old her mother tried to kill her, but Lena didn't die and was left at an orphanage. She has lived in three different orphanages already. Left to enjoy the world of broken toys and dirty spaces completely alone. Lena began her fight. She won't spend her days growing up at picnics or birthday parties rather she will be left all alone to fend for herself. She will have to fight everyday to survive her horrible circumstances.

When Lena turns eighteen she will be kicked out of the orphanage. The doors will be opened and shut just as quickly behind her. She will be sent out with a few bucks, expected to begin life. What life? She has never learned how to support herself, let alone in a healthy way. She will join the thousands of other street kids just like her around the corner. Living on pipes she will huddle in the shape of a ball through complete desperation to stay warm. She will burn parts of her body on the hot pipes in a sacrifice just to survive the night. She herself will realize that her dreams of being an artist or doctor are very unlikely, and she will be left with a deep hole filled with hopelessness. She will most likely start using drugs, or sell her body. After about three years if she hasn't died from being worked too hard as a sex slave, drug overdoses, or beaten to death by drug lords she will most likely consider suicide.

Why are there thousands and thousands of other children just like her, alone, abused, and desperate, yet with no one to help them?

It really started to sink in... how can I go home and live a "normal" life after this? How can I wake up each day and not wonder about Lena and the thousands of other children? Now I am not saying that going home is necessarily bad... rather I am saying how can I continue to live my life without sharing my blessings and giving my hand to the lost? Isn't that what God has asked me to do...love our neighbor?

I am posting a comment that was left on my blog after I posted about sex trafficking...

I know all of these children are outside of the US...outside of big cities with rich, white people, but this is honestly so close to what I see and hear daily, Mica. I absolutely love the kids I work with, but so many come in with horrible stories.
One 12 year old girl got convinced to break out of treatment with an older girl here. They lived under a bridge for over a week and the older girl sold the younger girl for drugs and money.
I have children of drug addicts that have been beaten and raped by their parents, their siblings, and their parent's drug dealers (or their own).
I have girls that are so enslaved by drugs. They go through withdrawals that almost kill them, so they sleep with people to get drugs and stay alive.
I had one girl whose mother used meth through her pregnancy, then shot up her children as infants because they would start to withdraw and cry.
I know you love where you are and helping children around the world, but I hope you know that the love of God is needed everywhere, every day.

It is completely 100% dead on....

the love of God is needed everywhere, every day!!

Why did it take a six year old girl in Russia to change my heart and open my eyes?

I would also like to post something from Grace(Grace was also in my DTS and she is in Cambodia right now) it really explains what I am learning and feeling.

I was brought to 1 Corinthians 3:5-15 the other day and am soaking in it as the perfect reminder to what it means to be a “servant”. I will not be a “missionary in Cambodia” forever. In fact, I hardly believe in the word “missionary”. I firmly believe as Christians we are on the mission field every day of our lives whether we are professing Gods love overseas, in your office, in your church, on the street, in the grocery store, at home or at a neighbor’s house—we are missionaries. I take absolutely no credit for a second of any of anything good that comes from it.

Some people plant, some people water, but only GOD gives the growth. We are his co-workers.

Everyone has the opportunity to be a part of changing lives it's not just "out there"

Grasping our Pennies

For the past month God has been speaking to me about surrender. What that really means, and what surrender looks like in my life. For a while I was struggling, I felt like I was stuck. No physically stuck more so I was mentally stuck, especially when it came to my relationship with God. About A month ago I was worshiping and as I was singing, it all of the sudden hit me. I surrender... the song was referring to complete surrender to God. I instantly felt convicted and realized why I was stuck. Intimacy without surrender is adultery. I had said YES to God, without saying NO to the world. I was grasping onto my pennies and had forgot what I was gaining. I realized to fully experience my savior I needed to surrender all control over my life, and completely die to myself.

Reality

I am home.
But I don't feel at home.
I miss Russia.
reality has begun to sink in.
I miss my team.
sleeping in isn't as cool as I thought it would be.
freezing fingers almost sound good.
I miss hat hair and big fur collars.
soggy socks and wet pants are no longer daily routine.
.
I like home.
but I like Russia too.

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Ephesians 3:17-19

The Harvest is Plentiful

As the flight from Moscow to the US lifted off the ground I felt a lump in my throat form quickly. As the buildings began to blur outside my window I felt a small tear run down my face. "God please let me come back to Russia...please". I closed my eyes and heard the words, be still and know that I am God.

Jumping In

Today I had an opportunity to sit and think about the last couple of months. I am so excited about all the ministries I have worked with. God has blessed my life so much! I am jumping in... and today it has felt overwhelming and a little liberating.

Russia

I am so excited so much is happening in Russia! I am still currently working with my team in Rostov. We have had numerous opportunities in orphanages, rehabs, public schools, feeding homeless, red light districts, villages and so much more. Our team is so excited to share Gods love and blessings! We are seeing many people transformed by simply showing them love. I have found a heart for the people here, they are so kind. I am thinking seriously of coming back this summer to work with a couple ministries.

Check out this movie.... one of my Russian friends Nadia is in it!

God's Blessings

I know God's presence is here. I can feel His tender touch in the winter breeze, I sense his comfort through the rays of sunlight. God is with us. Through all our struggles, our celebrations, our fears, He is constantly beaming His enduring love down on our team.
During the last week in Turkey, our team experienced God's presence in a random, yet beautiful way. He opened the eyes of a student on our team to show us that Christ has us all under His wings. God gave her the vision to see His angels working among each individual person while we were worshiping in a historical building called St. Johns Church. Through that, everyone got to see how God was using them and how much He deeply loved us. The timing was perfect. Everyone on our team got to hear what their Angel was doing and it lifted up all our spirits! That day at St. John's Church will be a day that remains in all our hearts. It was such an encouragement to see the unique ways our Papa shines His promises down on us! Praise God for sight!
Divine Appointments
Oh the great author of divine appointments! How beautiful are those moments! Countless faces, countless interactions, countless passing by..and yet somehow our God works in the mysterious realm, ways unimaginable, beyond our realizations. Often when our minds are consumed with continuous motion and continuous attempts to step out, God will humble us by revealing that it is not us, but rather He, who sets up the appointments we have. Certain people we may not have had opportunities to talk to are delivered to us on a silver platter, by the grace of God, to hear what we have to say. Never failing to surprise us, God delivered this simple man on a moped to one of our team members. Handing out tracts one day, this member waited on the side of the road for a break in traffic. Holding fast to her position, she noticed a man on a moped approaching but didn't really think much of it (seeing as it was a passing vehicle.) This moped, however, was touched by the hand of God at that perfect moment and BOOM. Broke down. Right there. Right in front of her. For 5 or so minutes this helpless man tried to get his vehicle started, but (seeing as it was a divine appointment) it wouldn't budge. Still standing on the side of the road, a little confused, our girl pondered what she should to about the situation unraveling in front of her eyes. Finally, looking down at her hand, it dawned on her that she was to give him a tract! So daring as she was to step in faith, she ran into the road and gave this man (who had to take off his big glove and everything) the small piece of paper she held in her hand. He looked startled at first but took it regardless, and tried once more to start his vehicle. Funny thing is, after she gave that moped man a tract, his vehicle started immediately and he drove off! Our God works in so many mysterious and bizarre ways! How great it is to serve a God full of surprises and divine appointments?
Spiritual Warfare in Turkey
Our team felt a heavy/demonic presence from the second we stepped foot out of the airport in Istanbul till the time we left Turkey. In the airport as we arrived there were thousands of Muslims gathered for the Ramadan which was a very interesting welcoming experience. We never really thought much of it until we started to individually get attacked. In Selcuk most of the team felt a heavy, demonic, down feeling, and a few of us were attacked physically. We prayed over them, casted out Satan and encouraged them to read their bibles more and really press into the word. One day we went onto a hill that overlooked the city and began to claim the land back for Jesus, finally for the first time we felt some sort of neutral ground and that's when the physical attacks started to begin. We told Satan he had no place in this country and stood firm because with God he is nothing and a nobody. This did lighten the feeling a little bit but even the last days there it was very heavy! God is doing great thing in the place it's just taking time.
While In Turkey two of the students had an exciting God filled encounter with Turkish Gypsies. On the last day the team had some extra food left over. It was decided to take the extra food to a family they met on a prayer walk earlier that month. They walked about a mile and arrived at the little shacks. The gypsies families have nothing. They often travel around living in anything that looks decent. They are also treated badly and looked down upon from other Turkish people. To be a gypsy means you are poor and filthy. The two students handed over the bags of food and it was quickly taken. The gypsies then invited them in for tea. The students then sat in a small hut half their height, and only a person long and drank tea. Seven other gypsies sat and talked with them the best they could. The conversation lasted an hour, mostly consisting of the children laughing at them. They were so excited to have Americans in their house. They exchanged addresses and the students are planning to send bibles and track to the gypsies. It was a great experience for the students, it really showed the Turkish gypsy culture and hospitality. Their hearts were touched forever.
It has been four days here in Russia and we can already see that God has real big plans for us here. We have many ministries here already set up and we are excited that we have such a diverse group of people that we will be working with. From alcoholics to the homeless, we are thankful that God has opened up so much doors for us here in Russia
Two days ago, we drove for about two hours to a remote area in the countryside, to work with the people in Drug Rehab. We were a little nervous yet excited that we would have the privilege to work with these people. When we arrived to the site, there were about 70 people in a small room anxious to hear our stories and what we had planned for them. Three of our team members were able to share their testimonies and we as a team got to perform our skits, which turned out very well. Afterwards, we jumped into a time of worship and prayer. As we were worshiping, we could feel the presence of God in that room, as the Russians started to yell out prayers, sing, and full out worship the Lord. Very quickly, the spirit led us announce that if anyone wanted prayer, that they could come up to the front and that we would pray for them individually. Majority of the people got up and asked for prayers; we prayed for bondages to be broken and that they would come to know Christ at an intimate level. Of course, there were other prayers prayed but the spirit led us that night, and some of us prayed with words that they would have never spoken before.
It was an amazing experience for all of us and we are marveled by what God is doing not only in our lives but the lives of others: who we believe, by faith, will come to know Christ. And so, we end the night by giving thanks and glory to the Lord, who has remained faithful always and forever.

Hello Russia!

We made it to Russia!

3 days ago our flight landed in Russia, yipee! Our school leaders were also here in Russia to welcome us. It was so exciting finally landing in Russia, after we have been praying for this time for sooo long. We are located in Rostov on Don. There is a small YWAM base here with about 10 staff and 5 students. We are keeping very busy with all the things planned for us. Last night our team was able to go to a Rehab center. We were so blessed by their hospitality and eagerness. The people are so precious, and my heart is overflowing.

Today's thoughts

It is amazing how fast each day goes by. Days turn to weeks, weeks to months, and months to years. Very quickly I realize another year has passed, far from the grasp of my hands. I ponder the days that added up to a year. I become overwhelmed with all I still want to accomplish. My dreams linger over my head. I see many days ahead, all pregnant with possibilities.

I see each second as a precious jewel. So elaborate and interesting. I could gaze at each second ooohing an awwwing at its beauty. I am suddenly caught in conviction. How many precious jewels have I lost passing judgment, worrying, thinking too much, being lazy, speaking mean words, gossiping, or not choosing to use them wisely. How many precious jewels have I given to this fallen world, feeding its fiery flame. I look into my purse full of jewels and feel my stomach drop.

I swallow hard, and promise myself that each jewel I have will never be wasted on things that do not shine.