I chose to title this blog On Becoming for one reason. That is where God has me in life, and I think where he will always have me. Becoming. Becoming who God intended. Becoming the friend God intended. Becoming the salt and light God intended.Becoming open. Becoming real and broken. Becoming someone who shines His love to His people. On Becoming...
God has me in Ellensburg. I love Ellensburg, not only because it's beautiful but because it has seen me in all my seasons. I have close family and friends here that support me very much. But when I came home I hated Ellensburg. I longed to be back on the mission field, and I felt lost that I wasn't. I came back from YWAM vibrant and alive. My life changed drastically while I was gone for six months. God became real when I was gone, he became close, he became my best friend. I had never felt this... so in love with my creator.
I felt as if God took me out of a cage and let me fly for the first time. It was dangerous letting go and experiencing parts of the World. But it was a risk and a jump I was willing to take and knew God was calling me closer. I will never look at clean water, and sunny skies the same way.
So when I came home I resented the people here. I couldn't get a grasp on how much America consumes, I would cry at the silliest things like a warm shower, and food in the cupboards. I began to feel passionately that I had to get out of here. I wanted to run and never stop, I made plans to leave. And I was counting down the days.
But my feelings became even stronger... there were days I couldn't even get out of bed. I began to pull back from people and fall into a deep closed off place in my heart. Places where my heart was so broken I couldn't even verbally express it. I knew God was there but I felt so far away at the same time. I longed for the relationship I had with him weeks earlier.
About two months ago I started feeling like I could fly again and in my own town. Then I got sick... and was in the hospital for a couple days. As I was in the hospital I felt God nudging me. He was showing me things I had never ever examined in my life. Areas that I was ignoring. God gave me things I need to be intentional on changing in my life. Like really listening to Him... and completely giving myself up. Not thinking about my selfish desires but becoming completely surrendered to God's desires for my life.
I had to take some steps back, and listen to God's calling on my life. NOT my own thoughts. I began to pray and ask God to show me how to change this in my life.
Last Tuesday at Salt my friend Andy shared about some of his struggles, and the Holy Spirit really worked in my own heart. Andy shared that He had gone on a mission trip and really found God, but when he came home he fell back into his normal routine and found himself more distant not really needing God. So he decided to go back on a mission trip to meet God again, but God showed him that he doesn't have to go somewhere to meet Him, but that he had to learn how to meet God at home, in his daily routines. And it HIT me!!! I knew what God was trying to tell me.
I have decided to stay home this year. This will allow me to continue healing emotionally and physically. This has been a hard thing to do, but knowing God is on board it has been a very good decision.