Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Becoming: A Lesson I Am Learning

It is late and I have ran out of any witty or thought provoking words to share, all I am left with is the reality of my breaking heart. Tired yet fully awake I sit in Gods presence. The ugly truth in the honest fact that I have avoided His presence far too long. Still He catches me in His warm embrace as I fall into his arms. He simply holds me close and whispers in my ear "be still". But these tears still fall heavy, like rain during the Spring. I realize that God is not only meaning to be physically still, he is meaning to let my mind rest and be still. As I go day to day, rushing from one thing to another I have forgotten to stop and just sit with my creator.

I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety lately. Feelings of inadequacy and fear have trapped me from becoming. What if I put myself out there and I get rejected? The deep cry of my heart taunts me, and I feel like I am the butt of some stupid joke. But the reality is that I have placed way to much importance on what others think of me instead of what God thinks of me. I can't let God really work in my life If I continue to be what others want me to be, and not who God created me to be. This anxiety is actually self created when I allow myself to fear man and not God.

I feel as if I have been hiding like a child who hides behind the legs of their parent, nervous to make a move. I can't seem to muster the confidence to take that step forward. It is always that first step that I dread, it makes me think about Peter when he walked on water. God is saying "trust me" I have it all in my control.

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